Yvonne

No joke: I was pretty convinced, up until yesterday, that Yvonne was a feminine form of Yvon (which it is), and that both names were variations on John. I mean, they are sort of pronounced (by my rough American tongue) how Ivan is pronounced: ee-VAHN!

But, no, they mean "yew." Yes, "yew."

If I may save face, however, permit me to note that they are ultimately derived from Ivo, meaning "yew"; there is, simultaneously but unrelated, Ivo, a diminutive of Ivan. An honest mistake!

Raphaël

W. D. Redfern, Michel Tournier, Le coq de bruyère:

Harry

"In Americans [the bourgeois family name] arouses a curious unease. To conceal the uncomfortable distance existing between particular people they call themselves Bob and Harry, like replaceable members of teams." — Horkheimer & Adorno

Étienne

Conversation, circa 2000—

Friend: Do you want to see Saint Etienne?
Hannah: Subbadubbah?
Friend: No, not Santana. Saint Etienne. They're on Sub Pop.

Isis

Isis is a lot like Lulu. Or is it more like Mimi?

X

Not El-Hajj Malik El-Shabazz—I went to high school with a wholly whitebread girl with the middle name of X, just X, just like Homer J. Simpson's middle name is just J. It was pronounced "ex," not "zuh" (as in Xavier) or "jhuh" (as in, I think, Xiomara and Ximena); it was, in other words, just X of the Roman alphabet, not X of Cyrillic (usually transliterated as "kh," and close to "ch" [as in Chanukkah] in sound, in my unprofessional opinion [very unprofessional, indeed, incorrect — ed.]). And let's not forget the X of Mandarin! No, let's! X. X. X. Just X.

If she changed her name, she could be ex-X. And someone she breaks up with could refer to her as "my ex, ex-X." And so on, x cetera.

Sisera

How neato was Jael when she rammed a fucking post through Sisera's skull?

Caden

I am not at all a fan of Charlie Kaufman—rare is the high-concept movie that does "it" for me—and Synecdoche, New York is no exception. "I think I have blood in my stool." "That stool in your office?" That is not clever writing, it is shitty writing.

But what lost me, really, because I am a pedant above all, was the name Caden, which is of only recent vintage (i.e., the early nineties). I wish, I guess, that Kaufman had just gone whole hog—named his protagonist not Caden but Cadence, even if it is a girl's name, or, better yet, since he's so into homophones, Kaydence. That'd, at least, have some guts.

Eulalie

Valentin Louis Georges Eugène Marcel Proust:

"Well, now, that's Saint Hilaire, who in certain provinces is also called, you know, Saint Illiers, Saint Hélier, and even, in the Jura, Saint Ylie. And these various corruptions of sanctus Hilarius are not the most curious that have occurred in the names of the blessed. For instance, your own patron, my good Eulalie, sancta Eulalia—do what she is in Burgundy? Santi Éloi, quite simply: she has become a male saint. You see Eulalie?—after you die they will turn you into a man."

Gamaliel

What the "G" in Warren G. Harding stands for. Not what the "G" in G-spot stands for.

Warren

This name is cute because it is where bunnies live.

This name is not cute because Warren G. Harding was a stern-looking motherfucker.

Isannah

Paul Revere's dad was named Apollos Rivoire.

Paul Revere's siblings were named Deborah, Paul, Frances, Thomas, John, Mary, and Elizabeth. One of them married a woman named Silence.

Paul Revere had sixteen children: Deborah, Paul, Sarah, Mary, Frances, Mary, Elizabeth, Isannah, Joshua, John, Lucy, Harriet, John, Maria, and John.

Stetson

A cowboy name.

Here are some other names a cowboy could have:

• Wyatt
• Bill
• Rodeo
• Wayne
  
• Colt
• Beretta
• Rossi
• Winchester
• Remington
• Uzi
• Piece
  
• Glock

Jerome

I always cherished those rare occasions on Seinfeld when Elaine would call Jerry "Jerome."

Thayer

Thayer is just a non-name. No, that's not right. It is pretentious; it is insecure. Its insecurity is pretentious. If Thatcher is horrible because of Margaret, Thayer is horrible because it props up the same elitist, conservative, prep-school bullshit while doing away with any substance.

Thatcher

If I am not mistaken, the son of Bryan Voltaggio, a not-quite-Top Chef, is named Thatcher. Thatcher Voltaggio. How American a name is that?

Voltaggio aside, is Thatcher or Reagan a worse first name?

Bathilde

St. Bathilde is also Bathild, Bathilda, Baudour, or Bauthieult—or Varburgis.

Armistead

Lewis Addison Armistead was a brigadier general in the Confederate Army. La Amistad was the site of a slave mutiny.

Ina

Ida, Una—these I love. Ana—this I like. Ina—this rhymes with vagina.

Dulcibella

A little much, don't you think?

Praxiteles

Praxiteles! Prax...is! Here is a dude who talks the talk and walks the walk.